


It's the Huorns fault! or Never promise Pippin a pet!

by Maahes



Category: TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works & Related Fandoms, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Gen, Pets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-09
Updated: 2016-10-09
Packaged: 2018-08-20 07:59:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8242103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maahes/pseuds/Maahes
Summary: One evening Merry made the mistake to promise Pippin a pet.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is an old story I've posted on ff.net before, but recently I had the urge to read it again and I couldn't help but edit it a bit. So I thought I'd post it on AO3 because why the fuck not. This is supposed to be pure CRACK.
> 
> Alas, I do not own LotR. Here we go.

It had been the night after Treebeard had told them about the Huorns. At first nothing had seemed wrong, but later when Merry had tried to sleep Pippin had been restless. Turning from one side to the other, fidgeting, sighing. Later, Pippin had asked and Merry should have known it.

 

“Merry, are you asleep?“ came the dreaded question.

 

Merry had sighed and rolled to this other side, facing away from Pippin. Ignoring him had seemed like the best solution, because answering him usually meant trouble and loosing a not insignificant amount of sleep. But looking back he should have known that it would have been to good to be true if Pippin had given up after not getting a response. Go figure.

 

After about two minutes Pippin had asked again.

 

“Psssst...Merry...are you asleep?“

 

And again.

 

And Merry had desperately attempted to stay asleep, but after the fifth time he had heared “Psssst...!“ he had snapped.

 

“ Peregrin Took, no-one would be able to sleep with your constantly asking if they're awake!“

 

“You're awake!“ his cousin had happily and loudly whispered and thus he had changed to the topic that had caused his wakefulness.

 

“I've been thinking.“ – That had never been a good sign. – “You know how I've always wanted a pet? I thought, if even Treebeard has pets...couldn't I get one, too?“

 

Merry had felt a cold shiver run down his spine, but had let Pippin continue anyway.

 

That had been his first mistake.

 

“Of course not now with us being here and stuff, but maybe later, when we get home … .“ _If we get home_ had been left unsaid, but both of them had thought it anyway. After the uruk-hai, well, they couldn't be sure they'd ever make it home and maybe that had been a factor.

 

At that time Merry had been surprised by the insight of his younger cousin. But looking back he should have been able to read the signs. Yet, all that had occurred to him at the time had been to ask Pippin which pets he had meant when he had talked about Treebeard. Pippin had crawled over to him to take Merry by his shoulders and look him in the face with wide unbelieving eyes. Too close to his face and Merry had felt the urge to push him back a bit.

 

“The Huorns, of course!“ Pippin had answered excitedly, as if this had been the most obvious answer in the world. Merry had been too sleepy to correct him.

 

His second mistake had been to promise Pippin said pet.

 

“Merry!“ Pippin had whispered rather loudly. “Merry! Can I have one, please? Oh please, I've always wanted a pet!“

 

It hadn't been like Pippin had needed to ask, he had already been in his tweens and Merry was, still, just his cousin but in his excitement he hadn't realized. And Merry had never been able to resist these big, round hobbit eyes. Pippin had his version of puppy dog eyes down to a T.

 

“Ok.“ Merry had agreed. “I'll help you find a pet as soon as all of this is solved, if it will be solved.“

 

Merry had meant the whole ring business and had assumed that Pippin would forget about the whole matter until after they were safely back in their hobbit-hole, smoking pipe-weed and talking about their adventures – given that they would survive the war. He had even been able to smile and laugh as Pippin had began to debate with himself what kind of pet he should get.

 

“Maybe I could get a fluffy rabbit? … Or a cat … no no, better a dog, ferrets are funny, too … maybe I could even get a pony, no, I already kinda own a few ponies … better not … definitely a domestic pig! At second thought, maybe not … a canary?“

 

After a while Merry had fallen asleep listening to Pippin's chatter and in the morning Pippin hadn't mentioned it again.

 

At least … up until now.

 

Merry felt like banging his head against the nearest, intact wall. Here they where in the remains of Saruman's former stronghold and Pippin was debating with Treebeard over a small, exceptionally ugly ork that had survived the recent flooding of Isengard. An orc of all things. Merry had enough of orcs for a lifetime.

 

They had found _**it**_ , whilst scavenging the ruins for something eatable – for their second breakfast. They had entered one of the guard houses that had been spared from the flooding when they had found _**it**_. _**It**_ had been stuck under a massive looking piece of what had formerly been the ceiling that had then fallen down during the ent attack. Luckily for the ork, _**it**_ had been stuck beside the wine barrels and had thus not died of thirst. Merry had asked whether they should put the Ork out of his misery. But Pippin had looked at the ork for a few seconds with a strange look in his eyes and then run off to fetch Treebeard. And Merry had gotten a very bad feeling, having been left alone to stare at the ugly thing, which had snarled at him in response. A few minutes later Pippin had come back, Treebeard in tow.

 

And here they where, standing in front of the guard house, Treebeard holding the miserable creature in one of his hands. “ _This can't be real. Pippin does_ not _want this...this thing as a pet. Impossible._ “ Merry thought.

 

One could say that he still had a kind of phobia after their horror trip with the Uruks. Merry made himself look at it. It was not only exceptionally ugly, it was also rather small for an ork, had a horrendous scar on it's face and a bad leg. And was screaming indignities at the top of it's lungs.

 

Merry shook his head, but was interrupted in his thoughts by Pippin, calling out to him.

 

“Merry! Tell Treebeard not to kill Bolty! You promised me you'd help me get a pet! I want her! I want Bolty!“ Pippin cried.

 

Merry nearly choked. Pippin had already named _**it**_! Damnation. “Who?“Merry blurted nevertheless.

 

“Bolty! After the scar on her face, it looks like a lightning bolt!“ Pippin explained.

 

Merry looked at Treebeard, and Treebeard looked back, seemingly reserving his right to comment.

 

“Merry!“ Pippin whined.

 

“I'm MALE!“ the ork screeched in the background.

 

Merry breathed in. Nope. This was not what he'd signed up for. Why did he promise Pippin a pet again? He made a mental note to refuse Pippin anything and everything he would ask for in the future. Especially, when they were trying to sleep. Alas, unfortunately he'd already dug his own grave.

 

“Let _**it**_ down, Treebeard.“ he said.

 

Threebeard looked at Pippin pointedly and squeezed the ork with his hand. “Hu-ommm. If you run ,homm, away, I will ,huummmm, kill you. And ,homm, if you hurt the Hobbits. Ha-rummmm.“

 

After taking his time with his threat he set the ork down in front of Pippin.“You will need a, hu-om, leash.“ Threebeard said.

 

A blinding smile appeared on Pippin's face.

 

“Yay!“ he cheered. “I shall care for you and you will be mine! Hereby I name you Bolty!“ Pippin told the trembling ork and hugged him. Merry could see that the ork was at least as sick with this situation as he was, which pleased him immensely. Merry smirked at the ork and went back into the guard house, he had seen a nice peace of rope sticking out of the remains of the ceiling earlier. He grabbed it and pulled hard to get it out of the wreckage, noting with satisfaction that it was rough but strong enough not to rip at any desperate escape attempt. He tied a loop in one end of the rope and went back outside.

 

Pippin flashed him a smile and took the rope out of his hands. Then he pulled the loop over the Ork's head and adjusted the size.

 

“Perfect!“ he exclaimed. “Now we can go and find our second breakfast!“

 

Pippin skipped away. The ork, for his part, continued to glare at Merry until he was painfully interrupted by the rope tightening around this neck with a jerk. Pippin, who was now dragging along the sour looking and struggling ork, didn't seem to notice. Merry shook his head and apologized to Threebeard, and then he followed the ork's curses until he found Pippin again.

 

Around midday they stopped searching the ruins of Isengard for food. At least Merry did, Pippin had already stopped earlier and was now trying to teach the unfortunate Ork Fetch. Merry purposefully refrained from telling Pippin that your average Ork should be able to understand more complex orders than “Fetch!“. He had to admit that it was kind of hilarious to see Pippin act out what the Ork was supposed to do, whilst speaking to _**it**_ in a voice that was normally reserved for little children and animals. The only time Pippin stopped was when Merry found a small barrel of Old Tobi, the best pipe-weed of the whole Shire. And that only for a few minutes, then he went right back to teaching the unfortunate ork how to fetch.

 

Around two o'clock they had somehow found the kitchen of yet an other guard house – this time near the gates – that contained a decent amount of eatable human food and decided, because Treebeard had asked them to greet he king of Rohan, to spent the rest of day on a pile of stones. The ork sat on the ground in front them, looking up to Pippin as the younger Hobbit tried to figure out what kind of food his unfortunate ork ate. In other words, Pippin threw pieces of food on the ground in front of the his new “pet“.

 

This was how Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli found them a few hours later. Merry had never seen them so shocked.

 


End file.
